I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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