I think scott just propositioned me for sex
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize