Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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