I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Enjoy the penises
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
