i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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