You smell like a Billy Joel song
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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