Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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