just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Everyone says I win the strip club
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
