You just made me feel so damn special
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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