There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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