You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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