i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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