just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize