Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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