Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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