After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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