the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
