Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Randomize