Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
