I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Randomize
