I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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