she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
