Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
