you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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