Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
