Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
