when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
