Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
