i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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