I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
