Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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