I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
