Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
