i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize