Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
