You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I want to be your penis for a week.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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