Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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