Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
