The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You ate ashes out of my bong
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
