My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
