Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
