I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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