he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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