This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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