Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
