Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
