I wish I could teleport
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
