I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
