Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
