Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He passed out mid-signature
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
