I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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