fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
