Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
