i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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