Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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