this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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