my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Two words: nipple clamps
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