I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
