My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
