highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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