Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
